I know fear intimately. We have had a long association which means that my fight and flight system is a well oiled machine. During the Canterbury earthquakes it got a real work out; I still prick up my senses and react like a Meerkat when I hear a rumbling noise. I consider that is a positive thing as I may need to flee, seek protection or take action. But my unhealthy relationship with fear started at a very early age to deal with the rigours of my home life and the carnage that followed.
Fear has been a constant companion, holding me in its grip, masquerading as an invisible dark presence that would take over without warning, sabotaging so much of my life. 

As I mentioned in Part 1, I have two women to thank in part for my sanity, rescuing me from the abyss of fear -  Martha Beck and Caroline Myss.
​They inspired me to create a set of characters which enabled me to see fear for what and who it really was. Through this process I have been able to shine a light on the darkness that so often pervaded my being. 
Martha Beck, who is a Life Coach of world wide repute, writes ​in her book, Steering By Starlight, about our 'lizard-self' and suggests to her readers that we give our lizard-self - our fight and flight personality, a name. Thanks to Martha, I was able to put my over active imagination to good use and visualise my lizard-self.

​In a previous blog, I introduced you to the Critical Critic. Here is another of the troupe, I would like you to meet Petal.  She is a resplendent, iridescent, winged, fire breathing dragon. Her mantra is, "We are all going to die. The sky is falling, the sky is falling." 
She looks very much like a combination of Dame Edna Everage and Patsy & Eddy (Absolutely Fabulous).  She is a drama queen.
Petal was in her element during the Canterbury earthquakes and  when I am a passenger in a car. Her nostrils flare and she pulls herself up to her almost fullest height, puffing and snorting; ask anyone of my family about how much they 'love' me being their passenger. But Petal is at her most resplendent when I get on board a plane.
Flying or the thought of flying before I discovered Petal, was an event that brought on severe anxiety. When on board the plane the only thing preventing me from running screaming and yelling during the flight was that there was nowhere to run to.
Poor Jon... my hubby. His hands would be squeezed within an inch of their lives especially during take off and definitely when landing.

Me... Olwynne... I love the 'thought' of travelling to other parts. I even like the 'idea' of flying. Petal however does not. That all changed a few years back, when we travelled to Australia to visit family. We boarded the plane at Christchurch Airport and the aircraft had just pulled away from the terminal when Petal turned up in full force. She had been lurking around in the background huffing and puffing about how I was putting her in danger by taking her on the plane. 
The irony of this is that she flies all by herself. She has enormous wings and like Petal, I have had many amazing flying dreams throughout my life and I love them. The feeling of soaring the skies and the freedom that comes with it. She loves that too. Neither of us like someone else being in the cockpit and us not being in control.
 
Back to the plane.  She comes into my view anxiously looking around and cocking her ear to one side then the other, "What was that? Did you hear that? OOo there was a bump."
By this time my heart is racing and my palms are sweating, but I am wise to her by now.
I stop her in her tracks and talk to her with a firm voice. I really surprise myself.
"Petal,  you have to stop this. There is nothing happening here that requires your attention. We are taxing to the runway. Everyone is going about their normal business. If that changes and the cabin crew or captain tell us that we need to act, I will need you, but otherwise until that happens, go back to sleep. You are spoiling what is a great experience for me."

She looked hurt for a bit and then she nodded in acknowledgement that I was right and everything was ok. A few times throughout the flight she poked her head in to see what was happening and I would reassure her that all was well.  We landed in Melbourne and I can say in all honesty that it was the first time I had ever flown and hadn't wanted to abandon ship mid-air.
Since that day I have flown to Australia by myself and it was great. She was there with me, only this time she flew alongside the plane and loved every minute of it.

Having her with me reminds me of the wonderful movie Pete's Dragon. Petal is my Eliot. Like Pete, I needed her when I was a child because there was a lot of reason to fight or flee. 
But I am a big girl now, I wear big girl panties and I just needed to let Petal know that I am all grown up and can take care of myself.  
We go flying together and watch each other backs. She still does the 'what was that' stuff but not as often and we laugh when she overreacts and it is nothing. 

She has helped me to see that if something is going to happen there is not a lot I can do about it and what I imagined, might never happen. If I continue to live in fear, then I will miss what is happening and that would be the greatest travesty of them all.

We're off now. We have our Biggles goggles and flying helmets on. The wind is up and the sky is blue. Off into the wild blue yonder!

See you next time, when I introduce you to another of the voices in my head.

Please feel free to post your comments below. I love knowing your thoughts, insights and ideas.

Being more of myself has been the MOST challenging thing I have ever done and I chose a life full of challenges this time around.
I have received brickbats and bouquets in equal amounts and the brick bats really hurt. I am told you have to grow a thicker skin. Mine is still thin and I bruise easily, but I am not going to grow a thicker one, because that will mean that I have to be someone I am not.
The world is full of critics. I learned about the critic archetype early on in my life. Then I joined the theatre fraternity as an actor, then as a Producer, Director, Choreographer & Writer. Being critiqued is an integral part of the journey. I have also been the critic and dished out my fair share of brickbats and bouquets. Those on the receiving end were either dashed to the ground or buoyed by my comments. 
The external critics are pretty easy to spot. The Inner Critic - I call her the Critical Critic -  is the one who has the most to say and does the most damage. I have a pretty active one of those myself.
She is part of a troupe of archetypal characters who play out in my psyche daily, dishing out their brand of 'words of wisdom' to me through their authoritarian personalities, resulting in my feeling crushed and ready to give up, give in and run for the hills.
One of my earliest critics was my Mum. She believed she didn't receive much praise in her early life  from her mother either and so she transmuted her experience on to us.
When I would tell her about how I felt or what I saw, about my dreams and fantasies, she would tell me with her tone of derision, that I had an overactive imagination, which meant that she didn't believe me and that I was being stupid.
Bless her for challenging me in that way. Her actions just made my imagination grow even bigger and brighter. It has guided me through some seriously daunting passages so far and still serves me today.
Through my overactive imagination, I began to see Critical Critic and her ensemble cast of naysayers, as characters who operated either as individuals or banded together as a team.
They took shape in my mind as larger than life characters strutting around in my psyche having their say whenever they felt like it, at their most satisfied when I gave them attention and completely justified when I gave them my power by believing what they said about me.

When I allowed this to happen on the inside, then I would manifest someone externally who would reiterate what they had been saying to me. Spooky aye.  At first I would be floored, shocked and hurt and then I realised that these willing souls were just playing their part too, by delivering me the message from the outside so that I could feel it at a conscious level. What was really spooky was that it was always what one or more of my inner troupe was saying to me about myself.
What does my Critical Critic say to me? Firstly she doesn't talk to me in the first person, only in the third. She is talking about me not to me. That really pushes my buttons because it is as if she is gossiping to someone about me and running me down behind my back. I really dislike that.
This is the kind of thing she says, "She will never amount to anything. She has had so many opportunities in her life to do something with her life but she always blows it."
"She is a has been."  "She has not credibility."  
I can see her in my minds eye. She is average height. Average build. All around she is pretty average. Looks like your typical 50's housewife. Goes to all the right groups, clubs. Is in the clique of all the other average people in the world. She fits right in. She is not liked or disliked by anyone. Conforms to everything and everyone. Has little ambition and most certainly wouldn't step outside the norm.

If by now you Googling psychology 101 to see what kind of kook I really am, you can save your energy. I am not your average person on any level and am most certainly certifiable. But through my madness I know who and what she represents for me. Critical Critic is who I have felt I 'should' have been so that my life would be easier and supposedly happier. 
But you know what; I would have really lost my mind being her and it wasn't in my soulology to be her. Doesn't mean she didn't try her hardest to live through me.
That brings me to the word 'should'.  Ban it from your vocabulary. It is filled with obligation, regret, conformity and blame. 
Where did she come from? She is a manifestation of the era I was raised in. My parents and grandparents mantra was 'what will people think.' They all judged each other on so many levels. Women knew their place and weren't encouraged to be anything more. 
I believe women born in 50's 60's & early 70's are the bridge builders for the new generation of women who are now offered mostly unlimited opportunities to live their lives however they wish.  When I was at high school, my option subjects were Home Economics - that is cooking and how to run a household - for those who don't know. Clothing which was sewing. Shorthand Typing. Typing on its own. Bookkeeping and French for those who were really bright.
We were being funnelled into office work, homemaking, teaching, nursing and shop assistants.
That was until we were either married and or pregnant, preferably married first. That didn't happen for me. Then we left the workforce and became the homemaker. Women didn't have ideas above their station as my mother would remind me with regular monotony, and yet she was far from the norm herself.
So how did I deal with Critical Critic? I talk with her now and tell her that its ok to truly be her.
​If she is happy being her average self that is ok, but not to try and change me to make herself feel better. She told me that she wants to be more like me! Can you believe it! 
The rest of the troupe are all sitting in the corner tut tutting calling her a traitor, but we will work on them too.
I will introduce you to another one of them next time.  Until then, be kind to yourself and make friends with your 'inner critic.' Doesn't mean you have to agree with them or like what they say or do, just try to see them as someone you have created to teach you something very important about your inner self.
Until next time, this is Critical Critic and me signing off. We are going to do something out of her comfort zone. That'll get the tongues wagging.

Toodles.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT BELOW.  I LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK. 

Hello dear ones,
I always know when something in my life has come to an end, because I find myself on the outside of a door that has no handle on it.... in other words there is No Way Back. 
What do I do now, plays in my head. To add to the angst, I find myself standing on a ledge with mist around me. Not just a little bit of mist but thick mist and you don't step in any direction when you can't see your hand in front of your face.
How do I find my way from this place? I relax. I go inside. I listen and feel. I pay attention to what is around me intuitively and when something appears through the mist I feel my way into it and let my heart tell me if it is worth stepping off my ledge for.
The other way I converse with my higher self in times of confusion and crisis, is to go inwards and sit by my fire. I build a fire in a clearing by a lake or on the seashore, and sit there contemplating/reviewing previous events and letting them go. Through this process, insights come to me and I allow myself the grace and time to be in the stillness by my fire.
Before I know it I am up and walking towards my next life experience.
I recently organised a reunion with some special people whom I had shared a theatrical experience in 2001. These wonderful people hold a special place in my heart.  I have considered writing a sequel to the show we created together with the knowledge that I can't go back and recreate what we had. However, if my heart is willing I may choose to create a new and exciting project into which I can invite these amazing people and those that feel it is right for them will get on board and those that don't won't.
The thing to remember is you can't GET BACK TOGETHER. The important word there is BACK. You can REUNITE but you can't go back.
​Let's apply this to a relationship. However the relationship has ended, by death or parting of the ways, then the only way now is to go forward. If your relationship was wonderful and filled you with love then you can have that again maybe not with that person but with someone else. There is never just one person for us. If it wasn't great BACK there why would you want to return to how it was before? 
I have clients who come for coaching and insights into their often complex and challenging  lives.
Some have their Let's Live In The Past belief systems on and are most often looking at themselves as failures or at other persons faults and failings, instead of looking inside themselves and bearing witness to the glaringly obvious fact that they have changed. 
The door has shut on their old relationship/job/friendship/life in general long ago and they have been spending their precious time trying to craft a door handle so they can go back, because going forward is way to scary.
​Life is calling you into the unknown. Your inner voice is saying, 'turn around and look into the mist. You are attempting to fix what is not broken; be patient with yourself.  Stop trying to fashion a door handle out of a shoe lace and your cell phone charger, because you won't succeed. Out there in the mist is your new life. The one you detoured off from, all that time ago, so you could learn and grow from the experiences of the path you chose. Now you are at the crossroads again and again you have choices to make. Do you follow your heart, or your fears and beliefs that no longer serve you?
We applaud your choice to struggle and sweat because you believe that it builds character and makes you stronger. However prolonged periods of such activities will make you weak and frail. You will lose heart for your life, resulting in a loss of belief in the wonder of your existence. 
Turn around and look into the mist. There is a light there. It maybe small and you have to blink a few times to allow your brain to acknowledge its existence, but the more that you focus on it the brighter it will become to you.'
You can't get your life wrong. There is no wrong. There is just you and your souls journey through time and space. Stop, reflect. Keep it simple do it really well. Enjoy. Relax. Celebrate. Contemplate and most of all be kind to yourself. 
There you go. Put down your feeble escape tools and surrender to your inner peacefulness. Build a fire. Sing a song, write, draw, imagine, create, fantasise. Give your heart and soul some well needed attention.'
When there is no way back be grateful because out there in the mist is your new adventure. It's longing for you just as much as you are for it.
​Go well and go in peace.
Olwynne.

How many times have you said if I only knew then what I know now? I would do things differently. 
​Reincarnation and Karma give us the opportunity to experience multiple lifetimes, electing the life path that offers us our greatest learning experience, reincarnation being a fundamental element in our spiritual tree of life and Karma is a major supporting branch of the divine gift, of being given a second chance. Hopefully you will be given it in your present incarnation and if not you will certainly have another go at it in your next.
How does this happen? Our lives resemble fictions stories playing out in real life. They offer many genres and multiple roles to be played by us all to fulfil our Karmic quest. We are akin to actors in a play, where we act out our parts together, some are heroes and some are villains. What we don’t like to remember is that we may have been the ‘villain’ in a previous incarnation and we want to ‘do penance’ for our previous past life actions. Fortunately, the Law of Karma allows us to return in yet another life to put that right – to make a different choice – to see and experience how it feels from the other side of the action.  It doesn't always work out that way but that is how karma works.
We asked spirit to explain Karma to us in simple terms – this is their reply.
‘Karma is the means to put right what has been done wrong. To see and experience life from another point of experience, an eye for an eye but with love and divinity.  Do unto others and it shall be done unto you, except that this not the wrath of a God who deems that you need 'punishing for your sins' this happens wholly by your choice; the one you made in spirit to experience life from the other side of the coin.’

Karma is not a punishment or just about the ‘bad’ things we have done quite; it is quite the opposite. It is a divine tool that offers us the opportunity to ‘balance our books’ through learning from both sides of the experience.
Working through our Karma allows us to put to rights what we acted upon in previous lives, through the life path choice we have made and the souls we have chosen to incarnate with.
We put our hands up to take part in a lifetime where we can balance our karma.
From my experience and understanding we play out the karma with the same souls that we incarnated with who are relevant to our karmic experience.

A client of mine through the process of LightPath Journey therapy (modality I created and used for some years to help people access their soul memory), discovered that this lifetime, although not a happy one, was their conscious choice to repay a karmic debt from a previous incarnation. It has helped them begin to heal the hurt through greater understanding of what this lifetime was about and why those closest to them, have acted in the way they did towards them.
​
Karma represents the sum of our actions through all lifetimes as well as any soul contracts and intentions we have entered into that are unfulfilled. We make vows and pledges in lifetimes that may still be in play today that no longer serve us, just as we do in this lifetime.

Another of my clients made a pledge in a previous lifetime to a man with whom she had a passionate and ill-fated relationship. When the relationship ended she vowed never to love another man that way she had loved him. She was heartbroken. Her life ended sadly.
In this lifetime she met up with him again and again she fell in love. Just as in the previous lifetime the relationship was passionate, short-lived and she was left heartbroken.
She had other relationships but she couldn’t get him out of her system. She thought of him every day and dreamed of them being together. 25 years later she was still holding onto the feelings of loss of his love even though she was happily married.

Through her LightPath Journey experience she remembered the vow she had made and to her great surprise was still valid in this lifetime. Pledges and vows not revoked, still remain in place and play out from lifetime to lifetime.
She was able to revoke her pledge with love and give gratitude for the learning. Her lesson was that no one soul can be everything to us and that making such adamant vows and pledges in our human state, gives them so much power over us. I am happy to say that she has been able to let him go, and is living a full and happy life, finally unburdened by her fixation upon this man.
By clearing this Karmic lesson, she also freed the soul of the man from having to play this out with her from lifetime to lifetime. When we make a breakthrough we effectively take one for the team, not only freeing ourselves from having to play the scenario out again but also the other souls who are also involved in our Karmic lesson.
Whatever is playing out in your life, you can be sure that you were the divine creator of it all and when you finally realise this you will see yourself and your life through a new set of eyes.  Go well and be kind to yourself.